Life with #LongCovid: Memory Loss

Memory loss sucks.

It’s disorienting for both the struggling mind and those around that person. I’ve experienced this firsthand over the past 15 months.

Beyond the general malaise termed “brain fog”, #longcovid for me has come with newfound forgetfulness and confusion, trouble completing tasks, and a phenomenon I’ve described as blackouts. I’m coherent and functioning, but my short term memory forgets to log my experiences, so suddenly I find myself in a place or situation where I’m not sure how I got here from what I last remember.

It’s f*cking scary.

But I’ve taken encouragement and comfort from the following quote throughout, which comes from author Elizabeth Langston’s novel Wishing for You.

“Memory loss is like showing up for a movie after it’s started. I’m sure I’ve missed something. I don’t know if it’s important or not. So I do the best I can to lose myself in the story and hope the gaps don’t matter. Later, I can look it up, or someone will remind me, or maybe it’s perfectly fine to not know.”

This quote cycled through my head. this weekend as I visited my grandmother, whose mind has recently become quite jumbled. While I saw a glimpse of recognition of me in her eyes, it was clear the details of who I was and what was happening around her simply weren’t there.

But you know what? We had a wonderful visit. I made a photo album on my iPad with pics of me and Jill. & my parents and maggie and scooch, plus some childhood ones of us together. Each time she would forget who I was or what was happening I’d show her again.

And each time I told her the story of who everyone was in the pictures she was looking at, she smiled with joy and grabbed my hand.

She lost herself in the the story.

The gaps didn’t matter.

While all our memories together are gone for her, I’m just grateful to have had so many in the first place.

Love ya, Gram.